No More than Dreams.
by Martina
Disclaimer: The people and situations used in this fic are the property of George Lucas and Lucasfilm Ltd.
No more than Dreams
- “You can’t go on living your life like this”.
- “I know you mean well and I do understand why. But I can’t give up hope of her return, Mara. I just can’t”.
It was the same old story.
Every time she brought up the subject, he immediately repeated the same old answer. Despite that the past of Callista Ming hurt him a lot more than it did him good, Luke still refused to let go of her. Ten years had now passed since Callista had walked out on him, almost as long a time had went by without anyone hearing a single word from her, nor seeing a trace.
And during all this time, Luke was still waiting for her to return to him. He lived his life in loneliness, forsaking all others and his own chance to happiness. Because he still loved Callista.
Or rather, as Mara suspected how it truly was; he thought he still loved Callista.
In fact, the ex-Emperor’s Hand strongly believed more and more each time she saw her Jedi friend that his love for that woman had really turned into despair a long time ago. Out of his usual stubbornness, he just refused to acknowledge it.
She now regretted that she had brought up Callista in the first place. Each time she did she always regretted it afterwards. Luke was a strong man mentally, but this always got to him. Not even discussions regarding Vader used to upset him like this. This was too personal and too painful, even for the most powerful Jedi Master.
His tone of voice had been calm during their whole discussion. Luke rarely barked at her, if ever. Yet, he couldn’t hide his pain behind the calmness. Not from Mara Jade anyway.
They both fell into silence as he turned around and walked up to a window inside his quarters of the Great Temple. Mara was, in a way, grateful that he no longer faced her.
If he had he maybe could have seen through all her thick layers between his feelings and her own. And then he would have discovered what she truly felt for him.
What she always had felt for him
‘I love you’.
More and more, as the years passed, she dared to think the words openly in her mind. But she still shielded herself. She was afraid. Not of her own feelings for him, not anymore. Not ever since he had freed her of the grip of the Dark Side and Palpatine’s influence of her. Not since Luke had taught her the truth about her own existence.
What Mara feared was to be rejected. By the one she so much longed to give her desire to. She was almost positive now that Luke no longer really was in love with Callista. Perhaps his love for the used-to-be-Jedi had diminished to such an extent that it was no longer more than a face that he kept up. A mask to keep up the appearance that everything was fine, which it wasn’t at all underneath.
A shield to hide his loneliness and lack of satisfaction behind.
But the principle that still held on to his loyalty for that woman could just as strongly make him turn his back to Mara as well if she opened up to him. Besides, would he ever believe her? She once had wanted to kill him. Would he, even after all this time, dare to trust her?
Mara had no answers. That’s why she stayed silent, against her better judgement. Still, the words of truth rang loudly in her mind.
‘I love you, Luke Skywalker’.
‘I love you’.
‘I love only you’.
All her thoughts were occupied by him these days. Their connection through the Force, even if they were mere close friends, was quite powerful now. They could easily make contact over great distances of space, longer than what he could do with any other Force wielder; despite that Mara’s training still wasn’t finished yet.
But maybe that was their problem.
They always kept a secure distance away from each other.
When she was all to herself, however, Luke was never far away. Not in her mind.
He was the first thing that came to mind when she woke up in the morning and the last thing she thought about before falling into sleep. And not even in sleep her heart stayed away from him. She often dreamed of him. Not the kind of dreams, or rather nightmares, that she used to have before they had actually meat, where Luke and Darth Vader had slain the Emperor. No, her dreams today were sensual, erotic and filled with desire.
And those dreams continued once she woke up.
Every day.
Not a day had gone by when she had not made love to him in her mind. Even the days when he had made her nuts with irritation and even mad with all his stubbornness and Jedi point of views.
Frankly, Mara cared less of the fact that he was a Jedi Master and was the son of Darth Vader. Those things mattered, yes, but were not the reasons why she loved him. She loved him because he had believed in the good in her when he would have had no reason to. And he had given her back the freedom that Palpatine had taken from her already as a little girl.
But most of all, she loved him because she knew that so much more of him laid underneath the Jedi Master, somewhere deep in his heart and soul. It was nothing secret, but his life had in time somehow made it into a secret.
Mara longed to honestly show her friend how dear he actually was to her. And she would have done so a long time ago. If it hadn’t been for Callista.
Callista’s absence in his life was devastating. And not just for Luke. Maybe that was why she kept bringing this subject up, despite that both of them would get hurt talking about Callista. He had to stop forsaking everything because of her.
Luke never ignored her. He just didn’t listen on that ear. Not that such an obstacle was enough to scare Mara Jade away. She had been trained already as a child to overcome all kinds of obstacles. But perhaps this was the one that she would never find a way to overcome? It was nothing lethal, dangerous or threatening. It was merely the stubborn heart of the only remaining Jedi Master in the galaxy. A peace of cake, you might think. But it wasn’t.
This stubbornness had turned out to be the greatest challenge in Mara’s whole life, ever. And despite all her efforts, she was always the one who lost.
As a matter of fact, they were both losers. As long as Luke refused to change his mind about Callista, there could be no victory.
However, her care for him prevented her from giving up. If not for herself, she had to continue to fight for him. She loved him too much to abandon him.
But how much longer would she find the strength?
Just as much as Luke refused to give up hope on that Callista would return someday, even less could Mara stop fighting to make him see that love was closer to him than what he could possibly imagine.
If only he would let her in!
But if he ever should let her in, she would love him more greatly than what ever took place in her wildest imaginations.
But would he let her inside of himself?
Would he ever?
Mara observed him now in silence. He stood calmly and totally still next to the stone wall of the Massassi Temple, looking out the window. By first glance he almost looked like a very well made statue, representing the Jedi Master. Someone, somewhere, would probably one day raise a statue in honour and memory of Jedi Master Skywalker when he would no longer be with them. A contradiction to Skywalker’s humble nature to be sure, but would most surely still happen one day. And, unlike the great statue of Emperor Palpatine that once had stood outside the Imperial Palace on Coruscant until the day of the battle of Endor, the statue of Skywalker would never be torn down by a mob, screaming for liberation.
But what Mara feared was that Luke soon, very soon, would become a statue for real. Not out of stone or marble. But out of flesh and blood, with his heart still beating inside.
She merely saw his back turned to her now, yet he looked so powerful, even in his calmness. It wasn’t power made out of threat or the desire for conquest. It was the power of knowledge, wisdom, goodness and compassion. Mara knew very well, just as Luke’s father once had done as well, that perhaps compassion was Luke’s greatest power of all.
Not only had his very existence cast such powerful spell on her, Luke also had the ability, unknowingly, to create a great sympathy in her for him. She pitted him. He was the most powerful being in the whole galaxy, yet he was refused to be given the most basic thing that all billions of creatures experienced every day.
Love.
Luke wasn’t entirely without love. He had a sister that loved and worshiped him; the same did her husband and their three children. He was not in lack of friends either. And all of his students and fellow Jedi here at the Academy were very loyal and supporting to their Master.
Yet he refused to really let anyone love him. He could have anything he wanted, even without the power of the Force at his command. But he refused to accept it.
Was it out of fear?
Or mere stubbornness?
Mara didn’t need to look far for the answer to that. She carried the same insecurity herself.
Perhaps that, more than anything else, was what she and Luke Skywalker had most in common.
- “I didn’t come here to judge you, Luke”, she finally said. - “In fact, I can relate to how you feel. That’s why I worry for you”.
Indeed she did worry for him. In one way, it pleased her that he wasn’t seeing any woman. Mara didn’t want to share him with anyone. Luke had belonged to her for over a decade, if only in her mind. He was her fantasy, a fantasy that she wanted to fulfil.
Yet, his loneliness prevented her from being so selfish. Mara had preferred if Luke had seen other women rather than indulging himself in this voluntarily torture. If only he opened his eyes, just once, she would show him that passion had not forgotten him! Then she would completely make herself his, and him hers!
But he did not belong to her. She wasn’t even around anymore, but Callista was still the one that claimed him. And as long as she did, no change would ever be made.
- “There’s no need for you to worry, Mara”.
He was so beautiful!
And not just because of his handsome features and because he was dressed in his traditional black Jedi uniform and grey robe. Once more, like thousands of times before, he sacrificed himself so that others, this time Mara, wouldn’t be concerned for him. Even if they truly had reasons to.
- “That’s the Jedi in you talking!” she stated firmly. - “And maybe he is right. Serenity always seems to serve a Jedi best”.
Mara took a few bold steps towards him. He was still facing out the window rather than facing her. But she knew he was not ignoring her or being unkind. It was the shyness in him that prevented him from looking at her.
- “But what about the dreaming farmboy?” Mara continued carefully. - “The young man from Tatooine who used to look up to the stars and dream of adventures and wanted to know what was out there. The youth that believed that dreams can come true. And who knew that passion is not a crime”.
He turned just slightly, showing no more than the profile of himself. And his eyes were closed, hiding their blue beauty, so unaware of that his pretty lady friend longed to see them look upon her.
- “That man is gone”, he said quietly. - “Too many disappointments in life have made him disappear”.
The meaning of his words frightened her. But the regretful tone in his voice scared her even more.
- “Don’t say that!” Mara objected, almost forgetting to conceal her own feelings in the process. - “I refuse to believe that is true!”
If the farmboy from Tatooine no longer coexisted with the Jedi Master of Yavin 4, then there was no more balance in this man. If what he was saying was true, then he had already stopped living and merely did what his duty as a Jedi asked him to do. He would continue to save the lives of others but would slowly die and diminish himself.
For Mara, such a truth was unacceptable!
Her concern made him turn even more towards her. And finally he looked at her with those blue eyes that she loved so much. But his honest gaze only repeated what his words already had stated.
- “I no longer have the strength to fight my disappointments, Mara. Every time I do I get burned”.
He sighed deeply and slowly shook his head.
- “It’s for the best if I put my dreams aside and only let them be what they are, no more than just dreams”.
He slowly turned back to face the view outside the window, slightly ashamed of himself. The young man that his dear lady friend spoke of felt like a completely different life altogether. Had he even been that person at all? He could hardly remember it anymore.
Nor could he forget about it either.
The desperation grew inside of Mara. She felt compelled to do something, anything! His pain was driving her mad. If he had chosen serenity freely all by himself it would had been a completely different situation. Then he would have found comfort in his way of life. But reality was that it was forced upon him. Luke didn’t want to be alone. He never wanted the innocence and fun in him to go away. He longed for intimacy.
Just like her.
But what could she do?
Risk her own fear to remove his?
- “Luke, I rarely ask you for favours. But I will do so now. And it will be the most important thing I will ever ask of you”.
She walked up to him and gazed out the window herself. A part of her simply wanted to embrace him, to hold him in her arms and comfort him. What could possibly make his loneliness go away more affectively?
But that was a too bold attempt, for both of them. The last thing she wanted was to impose. Despite their long and close friendship, they were not that close. They rarely hugged and Mara knew she had only herself to blame for that. In the beginning she was the one that had kept her distance from him, an act that now had become routine in their relationship. She had never revealed to him that it nowadays was all right to come closer, even on a simple friendly level. And Luke was not the one to impose either. Not with the history they both shared.
- “Whatever happens, promise me that you’ll never give up hope on life”, Mara continued. The great jungle of Yavin 4 spread in all directions from where the two Jedi were standing. Numerous of life forms lived in that jungle. And they were all connected, through the Force. The Force that she had the power to use. And even more so did the man that stood next to her.
She knew that he was indeed listening to her now. She was using his language, talking with his way of thinking. A way of expression that any Jedi understood.
- “Do not shut yourself away from life. Do not stop living because of what she did to you. There are many who need you. And care for you”.
The urge to love him was too powerful to resist now. Her right hand, trembling with desire, placed itself softly upon his left shoulder.
- “I know of no other who carry so much love in himself. It’s such a shame if that would go to waste”.
Luke faced her, overpowered by her unusually strong compassion for him.
- “Mara, you…”
His words vanished. His mind totally forgot what he was going to say. Suddenly he was unable to move.
She was so close!
Her hands rested gently upon his shoulders, slowly pulling him closer to her. His breath became deeper, trembling more and more with each passing moment. The whole Universe seemed to have come to a halt. He found himself totally lost in the depth of her green, beautiful eyes. And they looked at him more kindly than what he ever had witnessed there before.
He also saw something else. Something that he had seen in Mara before. She was hiding it from him, and did it well. Still, he had noticed it already many years ago, by accident or by mere luck. He had never searched for it, it had come to him. The first time he had not understood what he had seen. But in time he did more and more.
And in this moment he fully understood.
Her right hand slowly fell down from his shoulder onto his chest and lingered there. Such a simple touch with so many layers of fabric between skins. Yet, knowing the reason behind her touch made Luke’s heart pounding. No woman had touched him in this way for a very long time. He had done everything in his power to forget how lovely that could be. And he had thought he had been successful to put such memories behind.
With a fraction of a second, Mara had brought it all back to him again. And, as much as it scared him, Luke was grateful beyond belief.
- “Dreams can come true, farmboy”, she whispered. - “You are just too blind to realize that”.
She came even closer now.
Seconds rushed by, yet each felt like an eternity. The inches between them decreased more and more. A few straws of her copper red hair brushed against his skin lightly. They could feel the breath of the other hitting their faces. A desire, so long denied and ignored, finally began to awake.
- “You are a very good friend, Mara”, Luke finally managed to say. - “I don’t think anyone else has ever managed to understand me as well as you do. Don’t think I haven’t noticed”.
It suddenly struck him how beautiful Mara was. He had always seen it, of course, but he had never realized before that it had such a great impact on his emotions. The image of Callista was gone from his mind, as if she had never even existed in his life at all.
Right now, Mara Jade was his whole world.
Ever so slowly, their faces began making contact with each other.
- “Sometimes I wish that I could… That you and I…”
His words faded away.
- “What?”
His mind was still closed like a brick wall to her. Still, Mara could sense his nervousness. He wanted to tell her something. But seemed unable to.
She could actually feel his lips make their very first slight contact with her own. She closed her eyes, parting her lips slightly to accommodate him, letting him know that she wanted what was about to happen. She had longed for this for so long. Was she finally getting through to him? Was she finally allowed to love him?
She gave everything to him in this moment. Now it was up to him to take what she was giving him.
At the very last second, he drew back from her slightly. They were still just inches away, but it felt like numerous parsecs.
- “Nothing”.
That was how Mara felt in this moment. Like nothing. Nothing in a universe of nothing.
He was still close to her. He could not have misinterpreted what almost had taken place and that she wanted it to happen. Yet he had done exactly what she always had feared he would do if she dared to approach him.
He had rejected her.
It had never felt so painful to open her eyes again as it did in this moment. Yet, she did. And she looked upon the man that was her everything, including her worst agony. When he had pulled away from her it was as if her last breath of air had been taken from her. Mara found it so hard to breathe.
She wanted to be angry. She wanted to scream. But when Luke looked into her eyes she could not deny that her emptiness was quickly removed by something else. The truth.
He knew!
He knew what she felt for him. She saw it clearly in his eyes now. She had failed to hide it from him. He had always known.
‘I love you,’ her mind said, for the billionth time. This time she knew that he heard her.
His eyes, the truth, also said something else.
It didn’t matter. It didn’t change anything.
For some unknown reason that Mara couldn’t understand, Luke could not give in to this. His mind could not speak the same three words in return. Not that he didn’t feel those words in his heart. For he did.
He was simply unable to say them.
Mara no longer felt empty. In fact, she felt closer to him now than what she ever had before. But her emptiness was replaced by the same loneliness that lived in him.
They both knew now. But it changed nothing.
She felt his hands suddenly touch her face and she gasped, trying to hold back the raging fire within her. Then he did kiss her. Not on the lips. But on her temple.
It was no kiss between friends of old. He lingered, filling the moment with passion. That was the least he could do for her. In fact, he owed it to her. Perhaps the farmboy wasn’t entirely gone after all?
Once his kiss broke away, they both accepted in silence, as painful as it was, that everything was continuing as it always had been.
Except for one thing.
Luke took her deeply into his arms, pulling her close. And he held her in a way he never had before. Mara embraced him back, resting her head against his shoulder. A tear escaped her, falling down her cheek, until it disappeared into the grey fabric of his robe.
When she had approached him she had been the one with the intention to comfort him. Now it was he who comforted her instead.
But that was all he was going to give her. Comfort. He would never be her lover. But he would always be her friend.
Unfortunately, that would never be enough comfort for her.
Why did she linger here when there was no hope?
She was in his arms now. Not to the extent that she had hoped for. But it still brought her closer to the man she loved than ever before. And they both knew that they were not embracing for the last time.
Not even like this.
Maybe there was still hope?
The story had taken a different turn today. But it was still the same.
Would it ever change entirely? Would there ever be a different outcome?
Would Luke ever love her in return one day?
The End