THE HEART OF THE JEDI

 

I NEED YOU

by Martina

 Disclaimer: The people and situations used in this fic are the property of George Lucas and Lucasfilm Ltd. 

This chapter NC-13

 

The front door shut behind her.

 

Mara had thought that the uncomfortable feeling of guilt would ease somewhat

after she had reached her apartment and locked the door.

But the unwelcome feeling that she had felt ever since she had left Lando’s

residence was not kept out so easily.

 

‘Why? Why do I feel so guilty?’ she wondered. She owed Lando nothing, she

had not broken any promises or commitments – there had never been any. Yet,

leaving him hurt and frustrated like that after the otherwise lovely dinner

they had had left her feeling as if she had betrayed him.

It was not like her to feel this way. She had done far, far worse things in

her life – a long time ago – that really could not be forgiven. And she had

never really felt any remorse for those things.

But this concerned a friend. A friend that she could not avoid forever. And

he had been so nice to her tonight. Somehow, Lando had probably deserved

better than her turning her back to him and taking off as abruptly as she

had done. Maybe she should have stayed after giving him her answer, making

sure that he was okay.

 

But Mara knew, despite her confusing feelings of guilt, that what had

transpired was for the good of everybody, including Lando Calrissian.

‘I did the right thing,’ she concluded to herself. ‘I don’t love him.’

She would never be able to love Lando, no matter how hard she would try or

pretend. And Lando was a clever man; sooner or later he would have realized

how she truly felt. And that, most certainly, would have been an even

greater betrayal than the honesty she had expressed this evening.

 

Mara only wished that Lando had not gotten so upset. She had never seen him

so frustrated before; Lando usually remained quite calm even during the

direst circumstances. Even in defeat he always wore his famous sabacc face.

He hadn’t worn it this night.

On the other hand, remaining calm even during the direst of circumstances

was the way some people described her as well. Mara was well known for

keeping her cool no matter what happened.

Until they referred to Luke Skywalker.

 

But, unknown to everybody, the true reason behind her reactions to the Jedi

Master was quite different. What she had revealed to Lando about the secrets

of her heart had been the closest to the truth anyone had ever been allowed

to reach.

Mara wasn’t really sure why she had opened up to him as much as she had. It

proved one thing to her, though.

Her heart was becoming more and more desperate.

And after the catastrophe with Lando this day she was now longing for Luke

even more.

 

The truth remained the same, however.

She longed for a man that would probably never be hers.

Yet even the smallest thing of him, a mere sound or an image, would be

enough to soothe her heart. At least for the moment.

 

Her comm-unit gave a familiar sound. Someone had left her a message while

she had been out. Mara sighed. She was not really in the mood for anything

else at all this evening. But since this was a recorded message she could

just as well check it out.

- “This better be good,” she mumbled.

 

When she reached her holocomm-unit, it told her of the current situation.

 

ONE VISUAL MESSAGE REGISTRATED

PLAY: Y / N?

 

Mara was really tired. It was late and the abrupt end to her evening with

Lando had taken its toll on her. She yawned, revealing her fatigue to

herself, just before she answered ‘yes’ to her comm-unit’s request, but put

on audio only. If this was an unwanted call, she did not want to look upon

her caller’s face. Not now.

The recorded message started to play instantly.

 

- “Hello, Mara.”

 

Mara’s eyes widened. Her whole body froze.

She knew that voice!

The voice of the man she loved.

‘Luke?’

 

She quickly paused the message and changed it from audio to full holographic

projection. Then she let it run from the beginning again.

 

- “Hello, Mara.”

 

She gasped as the full-size, coloured, transparent image of Luke Skywalker

appeared before her. As always, he wore his black uniform.

It had been in a hologram, too, that she had first seen him – Palpatine had

shown her holographic images of Skywalker so that she would recognise her

target, then she had stood in the crowd at Jabba the Hutt’s court when R2-D2

had forwarded his Master’s message to the Hutt. A hologram very much like

this one.

However, the very first time she had seen an image of Luke Skywalker hadn’t

been at Jabba’s court or courtesy of her former Master.

 

The one to show her the very first image of Luke had been Luke’s own father.

 

Mara quickly discarded that memory. She preferred not to think about it,

even less talk about it. Luke did not know of this. Over her dead body, he

should never know!

No one knew, except Palpatine, that she had had a private meeting with Darth

Vader that day. A day that had forever changed her life, even though it had

not seemed as important back then.

If only she had known at that time that Luke was Vader’s son.

If only she had known…

Then her life would not have been the mess it now was!

 

Mara gazed at the hologram. His unexpected message was a welcome one. The

sight of him made her smile. The holographic technology constantly improved.

Except for the slight transparent projection and the thin, blue edge, it

almost appeared as if he was physically standing in front of her.

If only he truly had been standing there.

 

But to receive a message from Luke at this time was the last thing Mara had

expected. He had left Coruscant no more than twenty-four hours ago; he must

have reached Yavin 4 only shortly before making this call.

Why would he call her so soon?

 

To see his face and to hear his voice was just what Mara needed. She

suddenly felt all warm inside and the emotional state she had been in

earlier at Lando’s returned. If only Luke had been right here with her she

would have felt complete.

Still, she could not keep from wondering what he wanted.

From where was he sending this?

What was he up to?

 

Could he be inside the Holocron Chamber?

Had he already spoken to Master Bodo Baas?

 

More than anything, it was the look in his eyes that caught Mara’s

attention. Luke seemed both troubled and exited at the same time. He seemed

impatient in his controlled state, as if he was forcing himself to remain

calm even though he really wasn’t.

Something had happened; Mara could feel it to her very bone by just

observing him.

 

Could it be?

 

Had he found a solution to how to fight and perhaps even defeat Palpatine?

 

With an anxiety that continued to grow impatiently larger, Mara listened to

what her friend had to tell her.

- “Perhaps you remember that I promised to call you again? To be honest with

you, Mara, not even I thought it would be this soon. But you wanted me to

keep you updated about how it goes with our… ‘problem’ that has returned

from the past. Well, let’s just say that I do have news to tell you.”

Luke made a pause, his gaze dropped slightly. Apparently, he was considering

how much he dared risk telling over the Net.

- “When I arrived, Tionne told me some very disturbing news.”

 

His voice sounded as troubled as the look in his eyes was. Mara sat slowly

down in her chair as she continued to listen.

‘Sithspit!’ she cursed. ‘Now what!?’

Luke never gave in to worry unless he had a reason to. What was so

important, so disturbing, that he had to send her this message basically

immediately after his arrival at the Jedi Academy? Mara’s heart was racing.

What more could possibly go wrong on the same day?

 

- “It seems that you and I and little Anakin aren’t the only ones that have

received Dark visions and bad dreams,” Luke explained. - “I don’t want to

talk about this in any greater detail over the Net. But if you came by Yavin

4 I could fill you in on the latest developments. And that is actually why

I’m calling you.”

He made another pause and his troubles seemed to shift somehow. His blue

eyes seemed even more emotional all of a sudden.

- “I would very much like you to come to the Academy, Mara, if it’s

possible. I hate to push you like this, but you gave me a promise on

Anargosa. And I don’t think I need to convince you about how badly we need

more fully trained Jedi Knights, especially considering how things seem to

be shaping up. To make this short, we need you, Mara.”

It felt like he was right there, looking directly at her.

- “I need you,” Luke finally concluded.

 

There was something in his voice, hidden in those words, that completely

made contact with Mara’s heart. Did he mean that literally? Was there a

deeper meaning to what he said?

Or was she just imagining things?

 

Mara rose from her chair and reached out with her hand towards the

projection, wanting to caress his face. The holo projector made him appear

so alive, the colour of Luke’s eyes in particular realistically accurate.

But it was only an image. Not the real him.

If only she were with him!

 

Did he really mean what he said?

He needed her?

- “As much as I need you?” Mara asked softly, longing to feel the real, warm

touch of his skin instead of the nothingness that was the hologram. She felt

even more confused than ever.

Was Luke truly saying what she hoped for? What she had been longing to hear

for so many years?

Or was she twisting the meaning of his words around so that it would fit her

own desires?

 

Well, there was only one way to find out.

 

Luke had just offered it to her by reminding her of her promise to him. And

now seemed like the perfect time.

Mara decided that her time had come to go to the Jedi Academy.

 

It was a bold decision that would forever change her life as she knew it.

But it was time to find all the answers she wanted. Lando’s proposal had

opened her eyes once and for all.

Whatever was in her future, she could no longer continue like this. She

could no longer continue living in uncertainty.

 

If she had a future, any future, with Luke – even if that merely meant

nothing but his friendship – then Mara needed to know about it. If she

continued like this without knowing the nature of his feelings, in the end

she would go crazy. It was killing her.

It was, literally, slowly but surely ending her life.

 

- “I’m aware that my request might come at a bad time,” Luke continued a bit

more carefully, as if he was hesitating to say what was on his mind. - “If

our mutual friend carried out his plans tonight as he said he would, you

probably have other things than the ways of the Jedi on your mind now. If

your answer to him was yes, let me be the first to congratulate.”

 

Stunned, Mara stepped back, staring at his image. What did he just say!?

- “You knew of Lando’s proposal..?”

Now, Mara was pleased that it was merely an image of the man standing before

her, and luckily for him as well. If he had been standing there, Mara could

have been able to slap him.

Disappointment and slight anger grabbed her. Luke had known that Lando would

propose to her and he had not warned her! Why had he not warned her? He had

known of her feelings, or rather non-feelings, for the Corellian.

- “You secretive, two-faced son of a nerf! Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

Mara was mad. And hurt. Luke could have prevented this disaster she had gone

through this evening.

And yet, her anger was quickly subsiding. She could not be mad at him. Luke

looked so sad, as if he had not wanted Lando’s plans to fall into place

either. He did not seem as sincere in his well-wishes as he tried to make

her think he was.

 

As her anger dropped, Mara’s mind started thinking more clearly. Maybe Luke

had wanted to tell her but Lando might have asked him not to reveal

anything. The two of them had spent several days on the Lady Luck, after

all, before they had found her on Anargosa. And Mara knew that Luke would

never break the trust of a friend.

And there was something else as well that made Mara’s anger draw away.

 

Luke had seemed so strange after Lando’s invitation to dinner the past

evening. And he had been in such a hurry to leave after the call.

Yes, Luke had known.

But, apparently, the knowledge of Lando’s plans had made him feel

uncomfortable. So uncomfortable, in fact, that he had had to leave.

He had not wanted to be around to see it unfold.

Or to affect her in any way by revealing to her what he knew was going to

happen.

 

Mara’s anger had transformed into pity for her Jedi friend. Suddenly it was

so clear to her.

Luke was no genuine supporter of Lando’s intention to marry her. Why she

could not figure out. But, out of loyalty to his friend, he had swallowed

his feelings.

And he had left it to Mara herself to decide the outcome.

 

Whatever she decided to do, Luke would support her decision.

 

As the truth became clear, Mara was overwhelmed by the respect that Luke

showed her. He had not stood on Lando’s side as she had thought at first.

He had been on her side all along, not interfering and by doing so showing

her enormous respect. And he hadn’t broken Lando’s trust in him either.

Luke truly was a good friend.

 

He didn’t want to control her, to tell her what to do and not to do. Instead

of revealing what he knew, and therefore risking affecting the outcome and

not letting her make her own decisions, he had swallowed his feelings and

opinions of the matter.

Mara would never forget what he had done for her.

This was making her feel even more grateful to have him in her life than

when he had saved her life.

 

Someday, hopefully very soon, she would let him know of this.

 

Mara swallowed, feeling slightly ashamed for getting mad at him because he

had known what was right and had respected her right to make her own

decisions, as she continued to listen to his message.

- “Either way, please call me back as soon as you can, Mara. I really need

to know whether you can come to the Jedi Academy anytime soon. Remember, I’m

not telling you to come, I’m merely asking you. I’m aware that you have your

own life. But I wouldn’t call you unless it wasn’t important. I’ll be at the

Academy for the time being, unless something unforeseen turns up. You know

where to find me, Mara. Please call me back and give me your answer.”

‘Which one?’ Mara wondered.

 

What answer was he looking for?

The one she had given Lando?

Or the one she was about to give to him?

 

For the first time during his recorded message, Luke gave her a little

smile.

- “Until we see each other again, take care of yourself, dear friend. And

may the Force be with you.”

End of message.

The hologram disappeared.

 

Mara kept staring at the empty space of her room in which the hologram had

been projected. The image of the man she loved still remained visible in her

mind.

As it always had been.

- “Will it please you, Luke, to learn that I turned down Lando’s proposal?”

she asked outright. - “Will it please you that I will not turn down yours?”

 

She had reached a decision. Here and now.

Finally.

And at last she would search for her answers. Carefully but still searching.

She was going to the Jedi Academy.

First thing in the morning.

 

Mara was fully aware, though, that this would demand more than she could

ever imagine of her. She was not going to Yavin 4 only to see Luke and

hopefully make him finally open up to her in regards to his feelings for

her.

To win his heart, her only guarantee for success probably was to fully

commit herself to the ways of the Force and fulfil her training. To become a

Jedi Knight.

 

Up until now, seeing herself as a Jedi had been a frightful vision. She did

not rely on the Force to survive or to do what she had to do. And she had

been a servant of the Dark Side once. She had been the Emperor’s Hand.

Making contact with the Force always brought back bad memories.

Not only would her Dark past make it very difficult on all levels during her

training, preventing her from completing her tasks when others would

probably accomplish theirs with ease. Did she even have the right to become

a Jedi at all? Was it morally responsible to take this step?

 

She already knew Luke’s point of view regarding this. Besides, he had been

Palpatine’s servant himself for a short time. And a couple of his students,

especially Kyp Durron, had been seduced by the Dark Side as well. Mara could

really not believe that Kyp was given enough trust and authority that he was

allowed to train students himself after what he had done. True, many years

had passed, but she simply didn’t trust him, nor could she really stand him

either.

But Luke did.

And Luke was not the Master for nothing. He probably knew things that she

didn’t. Perhaps even about her as well.

 

After all, he had known of Lando’s intentions to propose to her.

What else could it be that he knew?

 

Mara could not trust Kyp Durron.

But she certainly trusted Luke. All she had to do was to stay away from Kyp

while being on Yavin 4. And to focus and do her best. Luke deserved nothing

less of her.

Besides – maybe, just maybe – this could turn out to be the best decision

she had made in a long time. Because, for the first time in her life, Mara

actually felt kind of excited to finally finish her training.

To become a Jedi was not just her excuse to be near Luke and to create a

distance from Lando for the time being.

 

She really wanted this.

She would not just complete her training. She would be the best Jedi she

could ever be, fully committed to her duty. She would make Luke proud of

her!

She had never expected to feel this way.

Once more, this was not like her.

 

Much in her life had not been like her regular self lately.

Nothing that included Luke Skywalker anyway.

 

Once more reminded of how late it was and of her fatigue, Mara started to

ready herself for bed. She wanted to tie up some loose ends, give Karrde a

call and wrap things up as soon as possible before going to Yavin 4 so she

needed an early start the next morning. The sooner she left Coruscant behind

the better. As tired as she was, she would fall asleep the moment her head

hit the pillow.

 

And yet, Mara knew that she would be dreaming this night.

Not the nightmares that Palpatine had given her. Ever since Luke had awoken

her from that horrible nightmare on the Lady Luck and kept her company the

rest of the night in her bunk, no more nightmares had reached her. She felt

the efforts of her former Master, desperately trying to claim her while she

was sleeping. But he was no longer successful.

Something was keeping him out.

 

Had Luke done something to her?

Unlikely since he had suffered from the same nightmarish attacks himself.

Still, something was happening.

Was it the living Force that was protecting her from the Sith Master?

Had the Force known that she would take this decision to become a Jedi?

Had it even been making efforts to convince her?

 

As much as she had always tried to draw away from the Force, Mara had never

been able to ignore the reassuring feeling when a night filled with dreams

lay in her path. Not once had the Force told her anything different than the

truth.

Not once.

 

Mara knew that she would dream this night.

But what kind of dream?

 

She sighed deeply as she approached the bed.

‘I hope I don’t dream of him again tonight,’ Mara thought as she pulled the

blanket over herself. As much as these dreams were the very essence of her

heart and desire, they also troubled her. She did not understand why she had

these dreams of him. Or why they returned to her so frequently. And

sometimes they made her feel embarrassed afterwards whenever she met him

right after having had such a dream. Mara feared that he would see right

through her. Something she could not risk.

Considering the commitment she would be taking, she did not want to dream of

him this night.

 

Her request, however, was ignored.

Before she fell asleep, the image of Luke Skywalker stayed with her.

As it had done so many nights before during so many years.

Once again, the image took hold of the most inner secrets of her heart. The

images were beginning to form as Mara drifted off to deeper sleep.

 

 

To be continued in: "Dream Of Change"

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