Jedi Dawn – Chapter 4
By Sienn (2001)
Rating (for chapter): PG-13
Protagonists: Luke/Mara
Category: Drama/Action/Angst
Time Frame: 26 A.Y.
Spoilers:
See Chapter 1
Disclaimer:
See Chapter 1
Ithor, New Republic Ship Ralroost, Captain's Quarters, 4 Days After The Battle Of Ithor
"Luke, don't you want to eat something? At least a little bit of soup? It tastes delicious, really."
"I'm not hungry, Leia."
Leia sighed soundlessly, put the cup of hot broshka away and slid next to her brother onto the couch.
"Precious, you haven't been eating anything for three days now. You know that's not good, don't you?" She asked softly, caressing his left cheek, worriedly eyeing his pale features.
He just nodded, not for one moment averting his eyes from the bulkhead, not one second stopping staring out into the black void of space.
He had insisted on moving the couch over to the bulkhead so that he could look out whenever he wanted to - and he did hardly anything else than that.
"Luke, please. Look at me when I'm talking to you." She demanded, her tone becoming slightly desperate when she forced his face over so that she could look right into his eyes.
"Ok," he said. Just ok. Leia felt like crying.
The state he was in took its toll not only on him, but also on her. She had tried everything she could think of to get him out of his stupor, his apathy, but she hadn't succeeded. She didn't know what to do anymore.
Luke's voice had become utterly lifeless and his eyes had lost their shining blue - the muddy grey they were now seemed so tired, so terribly tired of life, that Leia was scared deeply whenever she saw them. The guilt he had obviously felt about killing so many Vong had vanished surprisingly soon and she had triumphed when she had recognised that he had accepted her logic and her explanations. But somehow, that had not helped him at all. He isolated himself, stayed all day in the cabin, refusing to eat and barely speaking a complete sentence.
Leia had certain suspicions - it had something to do with Mara, she was sure of that. Luke had not told her everything - if Mara had left only because she didn't like his fussing, Luke would have been long gone on an erratic search for her to promise her that he would change. And he would have changed, no doubt about that.
But Luke hadn't mentioned Mara since his breakdown, hadn't tried to talk with Leia about her - that was all his sister needed to confirm that he was hiding something from her. Something that hurt him deeply - and something he thought to be a reason to feel shame. When he felt alone, in the evening, preparing himself for sleep, he stood in the small refresher, staring at his face in the mirror for minutes. Leia had been shocked almost to death when she had seen him like this for the first time. His handsome, still boyish features had been contorted in self-disgust, his hands clenched to fists, his lips pressed to thin lines. For a moment, she'd thought he would shatter the mirror.
Leia had wanted to interrupt him, to talk to him, but as soon as she had made the slightest noise, his expression had changed again to this tired, defeated mask that he had assumed to hide just the thing that made him hate himself.
Leia had thought about that over and over again, had gone through every word he had said after and immediately before his total breakdown, but she hadn't found any clue as to why he so desperately despised himself. Mara had probably said something to him, but what?
"Come here." She said, dragging softly at his sleeve. Luke leaned into her arms eagerly, resting his head onto her shoulder, letting her caress his hair.
"Luke, may I ask you something?"
She had to be subtle, careful, in order to not push him away from her, to not destroy the trust he had in her.
He rolled onto his back, his head slipping into the crook of her arm and stared at her, nodded. Talking seemed to tire him, seemed to be his most unwanted option these days. Communicating through the Force was what he mainly did, at least with her and Corran and the kids - to non-Jedi, he didn't talk at all, just nodded or shook his head if someone should really ask him something.
"Are you angry with Mara?"
*No, of course not. * came the answer over their Force bond.
"So, you think she was right?"
Leia almost didn't catch the short twitch in his cheek, in his whole body. He wouldn't react that way if he had simply treated her too much like an ill woman. There was more, but she just didn't get him to tell her what.
*Y... yes* his mental voice whispered, barely audible and obviously hesitant.
"Talk to me, Luke!" she demanded, determined to not let him become even more isolated from the world.
*I AM talking to you*
"No, you're not. You THINK with me. I want you to TALK to me. Aloud. Was Mara right?" Leia insisted, keeping him firmly in her embrace, even as he wanted to get away from her. He didn't like talking and seemed to have an irrational fear of severing their force link.
"Yes," he murmured, his voice raspy and not used anymore to talking.
Leia permitted herself a small smile. At least he had really SAID something.
"So you think you have fussed around her too much, right?"
He nodded.
"Luke!"
"Yes, I have fussed around her too much," he practically whined. "Leia, please, think with me - not talking. I don't want talking."
"I won't think with you, Luke. And if you're trying to do that nonetheless, I'll cut our bond so you will HAVE to talk to me in words. Understood?"
Terrified, Luke almost nodded his head off and kept assuring her: "Yes. Of course. Don't need to cut the bond. I'm talking. Promise. Don't cut the bond."
Leia sighed again soundlessly. He was traumatised. Totally. Something terrible had happened between him and Mara and he was even too afraid to tell his sister what had scared him so much.
It was fruitless. She had talked to him, but had only repeated a discussion they had had every day up until now. Every time the same questions from her, the same answers from him. She made no progress in helping him. He took in his surroundings again, true. But that was quite the only good news Leia could think of.
Slight vibrations on her belt kept her from musing further. Her comlink.
"Organa Solo." She answered angrily. Leia had given orders that no one, really NO ONE, was to disturb her if she was with her brother. She wanted to be there only for him then, to help him heal the wounds his soul had suffered. His body was on its way to a slow, but steady recovery, at least the medic-droid said so. But body and soul, these were two different things - especially when it came to Luke. If his mental condition didn't improve, his body would not heal either.
"My apologies for breaking your order, Ambassador, but the Millennium Falcon has just asked for permission to dock in the Ralroost's aft starboard bay and I thought you'd probably like to be informed." The voice of a young communications officer squeaked over the channel.
The young woman seemed to be really worried about having disturbed her. Well, that was good. "Apologies accepted. Thank you for the information. Organa Solo out."Without another word, she cut the link and turned to Luke. "Luke, I have to go for half an hour. Can I leave you alone??"
This question really seemed to surprise him. He was about to nod, but changed the movement just seconds after the beginning of it, forcing a small smile and one single word: "Yes."
Leia smiled back, trying to encourage him, and kissed him softly on the lips. "I'll hurry back." She promised and left.
Deep Space, Yuuzhan Vong Ship Criarto
"Executor Nom Anor, rise."
Nom Anor suppressed his slight tremble and stood stiffly, spine straight, as Warmaster Tsavong Lah stepped in front of him. "Greetings, Warmaster," he said, hoping that his voice sounded as enthusiastic as he had intended.
"Forgive me, " Lah hissed, "if I don't wish you a nice day, Executor."
Wisely, Anor kept his mouth shut. One word and Tsavong Lah would cut him down - he didn't need a medium to tell that the Warmaster was boiling with rage. Rage directed straight at him. And he didn't even have to do anything with the recent events. Life was unfair.
"At least you seem to be intelligent enough to recognise when your words are appreciated and when they are not." The tall Yuuzhan Vong leader grumbled, laying his hands at the small of his back, gazing coldly down at his counterpart.
"Tell me, Nom Anor, did YOU send me these reports about the infidels being weak, ready for conquering and not able to defend themselves?" he then asked, his voice suddenly calm and nonchalant - a change Anor DIDN'T appreciate. If someone was a better actor than he himself, it was the Warmaster.
"Yes, Warmaster." He forced out between gritted teeth.
"And," Lah continued, his voice now becoming deep and threatening, "was it also you who assured me, swore to me on his small, worthless life, that the Jeedai are NO match for us - that their powers can't influence us - that they're NO enemies to be taken serious?"
Well, that wasn't good. Anor had absurdly hoped that the Warmaster hadn't yet found out that it had been a Jedi who had destroyed their fleet at the planet the infidels called Ithor. Against reason, the executor had made himself believe that Tsavong Lah would buy the fairy tale of a breeding failure in the generation of living ships and weapons - well, even a highly intelligent being as Nom Anor had to have his little wishes and fantasies. And this time, it was about life and death, he knew this.
"Yes, Warmaster, it was I who said these words."
"Good. You're not denying anything. Really brave, Executor. But I hope you're fully aware, that this will not make you any greater in MY eyes." With this, Lah shoved him forcefully against the wall of the ship. Anor heard something crack - oh, fine, a rib. Great. It had really been a wonderful week for him.
"I think no one would think that to be real bravery - he just hopes to postpone death and pain." A new, female voice fell in. A lanky, petite shadow moved out of a bulkhead behind Tsavong Lah.
Anor couldn't help hissing angrily at her. "Priestess Elan - how nice from you to interpret me so utterly positive." He growled. He had never liked this cunning witch. She was probably trying to build up a connection to the Warmaster - after she had recognised that his own star in the Vong hierarchy had made a sharp turn back to the deepest black hole one could find.
"I can't remember having invited you here, Priestess Elan." Tsavong Lah spat over his shoulder. Immediately, Elan bowed skilfully, laying her fists to her shoulders and presenting a defenceless attitude to him. "Forgive me, Warmaster, but I thought I could help you determine the fate of this traitor." She purred, her delicate lips smirking devilishly into Anor's direction.
"He's no traitor. He's just an idiot." Lah mumbled, glancing furiously down at Nom Anor who didn't even think at standing up again without being ordered to do so.
"And as an idiot, he has cost thousands of us their lives," she added.
'Just wonderful. Another one wanting to get rid of me.' Anor thought sarcastically. Not that he had expected anything less from Elan. Since the day he had refused to accept her "friendship" and make her his partner, she had made it clear that she intended to finish him off one way or the other. With a father as influential as hers, that would have been bad enough even without the Warmaster joining in.
"And that won't change if we kill him now." Lah said, bringing his coat in order and turning towards the small female standing behind him.
"Oh?" Elan pouted, blinking with her eyes, playing, again, on her fascinating beauty. "I thought that was our way of handling such a failure."
"Don't try to lecture me in the ways of my own people, Priestess. You're not WANTED here, you're just PERMITTED. And that only because of your father and Shedao Shai's likings." At this, he grunted. "Don't you ever forget that." He added, bending menacingly over her.
Elan's cheek twitched: "Of course, Warmaster. But what, if I may ask, are we supposed to do with this one?" she gestured over to Nom Anor as to a minor serving animal and the Executor had to rely on all his self-composure to keep from going at her throat.
"Very simple. The situation has changed. If our reports are correct and ONE man - Jeedai Skywalker, his name is, I believe - has destroyed our fleet, then we are up against more than we could fight. We have to try to come to terms with them. Or avert it into a duel between Skywalker and myself."
This time, Elan was not playing anything. She became deathly pale and stared at Tsavong Lah.
"Are you saying we will begin negotiations with the infidels??" she breathed.
Lah gave a short, grim nod: "That's exactly what I'm saying. If we don't, they'll come after us and will destroy every ship of us that's still in their galaxy. But we need new homes for our people. And if we don't want to surrender, negotiations are the only acceptable alternative. And," he lifted a clawed hand, "I'm not interested in YOUR opinion, Elan, or in your father's opinion. This is my field and not that of the Priests."
Elan nodded glumly.
"I'll send a message to the infidels, telling them that I want to meet with their political leader - and Jeedai Skywalker. I want to know this warrior that could destroy us so utterly effortlessly. And as for Nom Anor," he turned around, grinning evilly, "Nom Anor will make for a wonderful gift to begin the negotiations with. I'm sure, absolutely sure, that Jeedai Skywalker will appreciate getting his hands on him."
While Tsavong Lah could see the sudden terror in Anor's eyes, he could not see the hatred directed at him from behind. It was more than obvious that Priestess Elan was all but happy about the turn of events.
New Republic Ship Ralroost, Captain's Quarters
It was just amazing, Han thought. Luke had changed totally since he had come into the room. He was sitting beside him, listening to Han's stories about the latest repairs due on the Falcon and smiling all the time.
Han had been shocked when he had first seen Luke - deathly pale, thin and fragile, he had almost not been able to bring himself to smile. But when the face of his brother-in-law had exploded into a genuine, delighted smile, he HAD had to smile back.
The surprise with which Luke had reacted to his presence had hurt Han. Had the kid really thought that he would have let him down?
Now, Luke grinned eagerly, nodding and making appreciating sounds whenever Han said something that could even be slightly taken as a possible question.
After a while, Han stopped and regarded Luke more thoroughly. Big eyes stared back at him, expectantly.
"Luke, why are you so surprised that I'm here?" he finally asked, straightforward as he was.
Luke blushed and averted his eyes. "I thought - after Chewie's death - you didn't want me to help - and you sent me away... I thought - I thought - you didn't want me as a friiend, anymore." He murmured.
Han's mouth fell open. Leia, as he noticed, nodded absent-mindedly at this and he suddenly became aware of just how much he had done to the ones near to him.
"That is nonsense. You're my little brother, remember?" He tousled Luke's hair and relished in the genuine, happy laughter of his brother-in-law. Leia smiled with tears in her eyes. Obviously, Luke had been very bad and only now thawed up a little bit. Hesitantly, the Jedi Master explained to Han what had happened, while Leia filled him in on all the details Luke simply refused to tell.
3 Hours Later
Han had felt Luke's eyes being fixed on his back all the time while he had embraced his children, kissing them, hugging them, thanking fate lowly that it had left them all unharmed.
Now, he sat again beside his friend, Luke's left hand resting in his, and waited for the younger man to come up with the bravery to ask what he seemed to want to ask desperately for more than one hour now.
Then, softly, it came out.
"Did you and Leia… Did you two talk about having children before she got pregnant?" he practically whispered.
Han was really surprised at this, but he was determined to let Luke talk freely about whatever was on his mind.
"Yeah. Actually, we had quite a long talk about it and decided that we both wanted children."
Luke bit his lower lip, avoiding Han's gaze, pressing harder at his hand.
"And... and if Leia had said she didn't want a child with you... what... what would you have done?" he asked further, his eyes darting around, making sure that no one but the two of them was in the room.
Han stared at him, shocked again. That was it. That was what Leia had talked about. The thing Mara had said to Luke. The thing that had scared him so much. Mara didn't want a child with him. No wonder that Luke was so distraught, so irritated. He wished so much to be a father and the woman he loved told him she didn't want a child with him.
Gently, he laid his other hand around Luke's, too. "I'd have asked her why."
"And…" Luke swallowed hard, his hand beginning to tremble. "And… if she were gone? Totally? If you weren't able to find her, to feel her?" he croaked.
"I don't know, Luke. It would hurt." He said quietly. Luke nodded frantically, fighting hard against tears overwhelming him.
"Then you should accept Leia's proposition and go to Wayland. Take a vacation. Calm down. Relax." Han whispered, pity and compassion roughing his voice. Leia had proposed that some hours ago, when they had had a snack together and when she had happily gotten Luke to eat some cake.
Luke shook his head, sobbing a little bit, but then speaking with a firm voice. "No, Han. The Vong aren't taken care of yet. And Ithor needs help. The refugees from the other planets, too. And I have to reorganise the Jedi. Very much work."
Han sighed: "Too much work, Luke. You shouldn't do that."
"You know that I must."
Han sighed again: "Let us help you. In any regard."
Luke was silent some time, then smiled: "I will. Thank you, Han. And tell Leia, that I'm sorry for the past days. I worried her so much."
Han punched him playfully on the shoulder.
"Tell her this yourself. And don't feel sorry for something like this. We love you, Luke, we all do. And if you need help, then we're there."